When I heard "everybody lies" I used to think, "not me" ...not unless I mistakenly believed what I was saying was the truth. Then, I ran into a situation where the truth was too much for the person involved. I caved. I lied. You could say I was afraid to tell them the truth, and you'd be right. I wasn't afraid for my reputation. This person would have not believed the truth, possibly attacked my physically or had an anger-related accident. This person couldn't handle the truth, even while intimating they wanted to hear it.
I'm fascinated at why people lie, simply because I find it so hard to do. Some people do it to avoid conflict. Some people do it out of fear. Some people are so good at it they do it for sport.
In the workplace, lying is far more common place than we'd like to admit. Most lies are told by us to ourselves. Whoever said the road to hell is paved with good intentions could also say the mortar is made of unmet commitments. Padded timelines, promised deliveries, committing resources we don't control. We say it's better to under promise and over deliver, but sometimes telling the truth means not promising anything.
Lying to avoid conflict happens a lot in personal relationships. You were waiting for the right time to tell the truth, but the wrong time was forced on you and well, you agreed to something you don't really agree with. This happened to me a lot when I was younger; I hope it is happening less now. It happened because true or not, I was perceived as someone who would not handle the truth without a robust discussion. It was easier for the person to say they agreed even if they didn't.
When we don't make it "safe" for someone to tell the truth, we are hurting ourselves too. We will think we have alignment when we don't. A number of subversive activities may occur that we know nothing about, all because we thought we had buy-in, agreement and support when really they just wanted us to get out of their face at the time. It would be less painful to know this if it didn't happen with people we really care about, but this is when it happens most.
I can't make it safe for people to tell me the truth unless they know it is safe to fail in front of me. Sometimes the most trust is created when the person falls down in front of me, and I pick them up and dust them off and say, "let's try again." I've just made it safe for them to be real, because I didn't make them feel bad for failing. They are more likely to tell me the truth now. We are more likely to avoid a fire.
I'm fascinated at why people lie, simply because I find it so hard to do. Some people do it to avoid conflict. Some people do it out of fear. Some people are so good at it they do it for sport.
In the workplace, lying is far more common place than we'd like to admit. Most lies are told by us to ourselves. Whoever said the road to hell is paved with good intentions could also say the mortar is made of unmet commitments. Padded timelines, promised deliveries, committing resources we don't control. We say it's better to under promise and over deliver, but sometimes telling the truth means not promising anything.
Lying to avoid conflict happens a lot in personal relationships. You were waiting for the right time to tell the truth, but the wrong time was forced on you and well, you agreed to something you don't really agree with. This happened to me a lot when I was younger; I hope it is happening less now. It happened because true or not, I was perceived as someone who would not handle the truth without a robust discussion. It was easier for the person to say they agreed even if they didn't.
When we don't make it "safe" for someone to tell the truth, we are hurting ourselves too. We will think we have alignment when we don't. A number of subversive activities may occur that we know nothing about, all because we thought we had buy-in, agreement and support when really they just wanted us to get out of their face at the time. It would be less painful to know this if it didn't happen with people we really care about, but this is when it happens most.
I can't make it safe for people to tell me the truth unless they know it is safe to fail in front of me. Sometimes the most trust is created when the person falls down in front of me, and I pick them up and dust them off and say, "let's try again." I've just made it safe for them to be real, because I didn't make them feel bad for failing. They are more likely to tell me the truth now. We are more likely to avoid a fire.
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